Embrace
It has taken me three decades to embrace and love all parts of myself.
In my twenties I was desperately trying to be whoever I needed to be in order to be loved and accepted by the external. If it meant that I had to to melt, fold, bend, or shatter my bones…then so be it. A real life shape shifter.
This has cost me tremendously. I’ve wasted years in jobs, relationships, and friendships that were completely misaligned with who I was at my core. But discovering my core was the part that I was overlooking. It was easy to loose sight of myself when I didn’t who I was. I had to commit to uncovering who I was and then make the choice to accept all parts of myself. Shadows from my past would sometimes cause me to dim my light.
Growing up in a chaotic home rampant with tension and criticism made it hard for me to build a life rooted in peace and acceptance. My parents never learned to accept themselves or one another. I internalized their battles and found myself waging wars within. Quieting the criticisms has been an ongoing process.
It’s meant years of unlearning what it means to be a worthwhile human being. The superficial accolades were a fragile foundation on which to construct my self worth.
Fragile.
The parts of me that identified as a “strong black woman” have faded into the background. My grandmother used to say, “You gotta be strong in this life.” She was right because there are circumstances that require a deep level of strength and resilience. But in this season, I have embraced my fragility and learned to soothe the most tender parts of myself. This has made self acceptance easier for me. I no longer feel ashamed of my vulnerability or judge my limitations. In fact, I acknowledge the strength required to honor my limitations. Few have the courage and I am grateful to have found mine. Embracing fragility has led me to some periods of isolation as I process emotions that bring discomfort. Discomfort is not my enemy, but a companion that points to the parts of myself that are still evolving.
Learning to accept all parts of myself as I grow will be an ongoing process. As time moves my life into new directions, I will inevitably meet new versions of myself. But I’ll know that even in my fragile armor I am worthy of grace, compassion, and acceptance.